Ghost in the machine
Do I look like "that" kind of loser?
We all know someone who’s been ghosted romantically.
It’s shit right. It makes you wonder what you did wrong and sends you into a spiral of agitation and wild introspection.
When someone in your romantic world stops taking your calls or suddenly stops messaging, you automatically think something awful must have happened to them. Is your loved one too unwell to hold a phone and physically tap out a message, have they entered an amnesiac fugue state, plunged into some sort of depression or ADHD procrastination spiral? It’s incredible the way the imagination bends our brains into pretzels in order to come up with a valid and quite frankly less painful excuse for such an outright rejection.
The thought that they have simply buggered off is too much to bear. What kind of shitty individual would do that? Quite a high number by all accounts. It’s the cowards way out and there are a lot of cowards out there.
The pain of being ghosted comes from the not knowing. It’s intense and confusing and ego crushing. I know because I’ve been ghosted. Twice. On each occasion by an employer.
Yup. Ghosting cads are also bosses it seems and if they can do it to a partner they can do it to an employee or an intern or someone who came in to “try out” for a job.
Let me tell you about what happened.
Once upon a time I was a BBC radio journalist and news reader for a “lively” rolling news channel. I had always dreamed that one day I would get the call-up for the big boys network – the granddaddy of all BBC Radio channels – Radio 4. So when I got a phone call, totally out of the blue, asking me to come in and spend a day with “continuity” I was as excited as hell. Was I about to make the big time and become a Radio 4 newsreader? It would be a dream come true.
I knew from chat around the office that in these situations you don’t get to read the news straight away – you have to serve time reading out the bits in between programmes first. It’s a chance for the audience to get to know your voice and to start to trust you because British high end radio audiences don’t want their news read to them by just anyone and certainly not someone from one of the livelier networks. So you have to do an apprenticeship of sorts. This was all fine and understood.
On the day in question I turned up at Broadcasting House in London and was ushered into the darkened studio complex. I met the guy who had called me up and a few of the newsreaders and continuity bods. So far so good. I spent the morning “shadowing” what they were up to and paying attention – lots of attention.
Then without warning I was handed a script and ushered into a studio. Looking at the print out I could see that it was the famous shipping forecast – you know the one – North Utsire, South Utsire – the hypnotic list of weather stations and wind conditions designed to keep our shipping safe on this island nation. As I was shown into the studio and introduced to my studio management team it became apparent that this was not an audition or a practice – I was going to be reading the actual shipping forecast for real! For real sailors in real time. Their lives were in my hands! This really was a dream come true.
I felt sick but summoned all my professionalism. I could do this.
And indeed I could.
It went so well in fact that in the afternoon I was taken into the live continuity studio to shadow the guy on shift doing the real bits in between the real programmes. And then I was asked once more to step up and do a live one myself. I was to script the bit that led out of the last mid afternoon programme and into the 5pm news. It required split second timing so there was no silence.
My sickness doubled and then trebled, The microphone went live and I launched in. It went fine.
I went home on a massive high - a new and unexpected future beckoned. The thing that they say never happens, had happened. A huge chance had come into my life out of the blue.
When I got home I sent an e-mail thanking the guy for this wonderful chance. Next day I checked my messages, excited to see what the next step would be. There was nothing there. Or the next day. Over the next few days it seemed like he was a little slow. Had he got my mail? Should I re-send?
I waited some more then sent another mail. I waited and checked. Nothing. I phoned and left a message and then another one. After a few weeks I think I sent another message saying that if he had decided that I was not for them, as maybe they had – could he give me some feedback so I could learn and move on? Nothing.
The worry and rejection mounted and gnawed at me. I ran through all the scenarios. I sent more e-mails. By this stage I was so enraged I just wanted to embarrass him into talking to me. Surely this was unacceptable? What would HR say? What kind of man was this? Should I report him?
Needless to say I never heard from him again. I had been ghosted in the cruelest possible way.
The next time it happened was many years later. I was working in tech doing social media on a part time basis when I was offered Head of Comms by a fast moving, forward looking company. Again it was totally unexpected. I was approached out of the blue by a guy who promised me the earth and seemed in a position to give it to me. I was surprised, but excited to work with him as he was charismatic and this was a huge opportunity.
It began very well and Out of the Blue Guy (OOTB) was attentive to my ideas and gave me his time. But it didn’t take long for things to look dodgy. His attention started to wander, pinging all over the place, he’d start things and not finish them and I’d find out about initiatives I really should have been involved with from 3rd parties – suggesting I was no longer in the loop. He started cancelling our meetings and at one point didn’t even show up for a live event, leaving me to stand in, in his place. It was all very unnerving.
I decided it was time to have a conversation with him and find out what was going on. At this point he seemed to disappear completely. One day in the office, I spotted him and made a beeline for him. “Can I talk to you for a moment?” I called, but he spotted me and literally sprinted out the door. Unbelievable behaviour and from a grown man!
It wasn’t long after that that I was made redundant and the whole ridiculous episode came to a close. Since then I have stuck to female bosses and very considerate and professional they are too. I can only conclude that women don’t do this kind of thing. I mean, have you ever been ghosted by a woman? I am prepared to be wrong but it just strikes me that there’s too much decency and empathy in a woman to woman situation.
And at work? Well there is no excuse surely? It’s so unprofessional.
It’s one thing being shanked by a shitty guy who can’t get his act together romantically, but in the business world you’d like to think that people would treat you better. But apparently not. Please do share if you have a similar story. Or maybe its just me?